Mountain + Valley — Cheetah House

MOUNTAIN and VALLEY

I have a history of spontaneous spiritual openings and serious meditation practice. After a break in regular meditation, I got back into it and sat with a local Zen group. I noticed that over the course of a few weeks, my ability to have a stable focus deepened and did so beyond what I had been familiar with before. For instance, while meditating at home with music on, the focus on my breath would sometimes be so single-pointed that the sounds of the music happened only in the moment and the mind’s function of tying it together over time into “music” seemed temporarily disabled or set aside.

Independent of this Zen practice, I also explored Douglas Harding’s headless experiments, and one day – while exploring one of these experiments – the sense of being a separate self fell away. My sense was that the meditation practice set the stage for this shift and the headless experiment was an additional nudge.

What was left was life or the universe as awake and conscious, appearing as everything, and with this particular human self operating much as before—just without anything identifying with or as it. This brought about a deep sense of ease that lasted for about six months. I continued my meditation practice but now from a more still and restful place.

This was followed by what I sometimes think of as a dark night of the soul. My health fell apart from one day to the next when I had a strong case of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I was unable to function much beyond the basics of eating, going to the bathroom, and sleeping or resting. Later on, a great deal of unprocessed psychological material started surfacing. It seemed that what had previously been unseen, unfelt, unmet, unloved, and unhealed surfaced so it could be seen, felt, met, loved, and healed. As one teacher says, it was as if the “lid had been taken off” this material.

It was an intense and sometimes overwhelming experience. The teacher from the local Zen group was of little to no help as he didn’t seem familiar with what I was going through. I did eventually find guidance from someone who himself had gone through a similar process and was outside of any particular spiritual tradition. He helped me trust that I could get through it, meet the difficult emotions and experiences with more kindness and presence, and also find healing for what surfaced.

“What may have helped me the most was a sense of feeling understood and seen by someone who had been through it himself. ”

I was unable to continue my meditation practice during this time, partly from the fatigue and partly due to the distress I experienced. The stability and meditation skills I had developed over several years of practice was gone, almost as if it had never been there. I eventually developed a less effortful meditation practice which consists of noticing and allowing what is here and resting with it. Looking back, I realize that my earlier meditation practice had been quite effortful and goal oriented, and that this had come more from me than any instructions I had received.

I have now gradually found my way back to a sense of peace and improved health. I have been helped by inquiry, heart-centered practices, therapeutic tremoring to release tension and trauma, feeling and resting with the sensation component of any distress, and the simple meditation practice of noticing and allowing what’s here. My health has also been helped by resting, spending time in nature, herbal medicine, and acupuncture and other forms of energy medicine.

It’s been a long and at times overwhelming and difficult process, and one that at times seemed it would never end. And, as anything in life, it has come with gifts. It has taught me about spiritual crises and what can happen on a spiritual path. It has helped me find deeper healing for parts of me I earlier was unable to access. I have learned a great deal about finding healing at an emotional and physical level. I have found a different and less effortful approach to meditation. And it has given me experiences so I may better support others going through a similar process.