Person over Doctrine

My experience with meditation and mindfulness has been a difficult one. As an analytic, philosophical person, I was already in the practice of questioning and being attentive to many aspects of my experience. I took quickly to meditation books, talks and retreats. This lead me to the hardline no-self philosophies and deconstruction practices. The bait of ultimate realization was irresistible, and the logic and science seemed really sound. Mindfulness had been given a title of near panacea by the scientific community, seemingly rivaled only by coconut oil.

I had experiences of calm, freedom and certain expected insights. But I eventually ended up in the territory of the dark night, which has been an extended struggle. I ended up in a state of extreme confusion, experiencing depersonalization, derealization, nightmares, intense anxiety and depression, and meaninglessness. Any attempt of the mind to reorient resulted in mind-numbing paradoxes. I continue to struggle with some of this, along with chronic fatigue, musculoskeletal, and nervous system issues.

The sense that I’m developing is that the practice and philosophy, combined with my personality, led me to a fragmentation and a deep, universal mistrust in my mind and body. I placed my faith in the dogma of eastern schools and the experiences of others, some of which allowed for growth and appropriate challenging of constructs, and some of which completely disconnected me from my most basic orienting principles. There remains a profound confusion about what experiences are a kind of noise and random association, and what are the deepest parts of myself calling for action or recognition. I’m assuming it’s this same disconnection that allows many of these non-dual teachers to be morally heinous creatures, at times.

Mindfulness, as a dry noting practice, I have come to believe, is fundamentally dissociative. Everything that arose, I would regard as not me, unimportant. The dichotomy I accepted, that was reinforced by many dharma teachers, was that there are two options – non-attachment to that which arises, or living in unconsciousness and impulse. I’m beginning to see those two options now as dissociation vs. fusion.

“There is a subtle, tertiary option of intimacy with all that arises - not flooded identification, not disownership, but more of an inner genuflection. My sensations and thoughts DO arise out of meaningful associations. Yes, they can also be limiting, repetitive and insane, but that often arises out of deeper unmet needs, traumas, and need for understanding.”

I think one of the most important things I’ve realized is that some of the most reactive, fearful parts of myself were the ones driving me so hard towards spiritual attainment and realization. It’s a bit comical, I can sit down and follow the practice of labeling and even accepting all that arises, but the unconscious intention to use the practice as a tool to escape the realities of individual experience is stored somatically. The body doesn’t lie.

“Our primary identity may really be vast awareness, but we are also so unavoidably human, and I’m learning that to regard that experience as purely illusory is to discount the bonds that tie us together.”

I can’t quite explain why, maybe I’ll be able to soon, but I know, on my better days, that redemptive love and compassion are far more powerful than any path attainment ever will be.